"Life is not about moments, but about the moments that take your breath away."
Friday, January 11, 2013
Done having Kids?
So my husband and I have discussed many many times how many children we wanted. We discussed two was enough for us. HA!! When we got pregnant with our third child Noah we were very scared. Financially we knew it would be a strain. But after about 8 ish weeks we grew to love the idea. We started bringing out the old baby stuff and washing it. Slowly purchased stuff. At 18 weeks we found out it was a boy! We choose the name Noah and were just eager to meet him from that point. At 22 weeks pregnant I found out that he had passed away. We delivered him naturally. We held him, kissed him and then handed him over to the medical staff. A very hard time in our lives. We discussed if we would have another baby and decided another child would be in our future. To our suprise 3 months later we were pregnant again. With our amazing little boy Liam. He has brought so much joy to our lives. In the 7 months he has been here, he just lights up a room.
Well anyways to get to my point. When I got pregnant with Liam, my husband said that this was it. At the time I guess I really didn't pay any attention to what he was saying. I was busy with our older two and pregnant. I was trying to enjoy my pregnancy as well. SO at the time, I guess i was nieve in what he was saying. At about 3 months post baby I made a comment about 5 years from now when we have another baby. He put the breaks on the conversation and said we are not having any more. I think in that moment my heart dropped. I sat back and just starred at him. In aw of what he said I again shrugged it off and went about my day. I then later was in the shower and just cried. I cried so hard. I can't imagine not having another baby. I always wanted to have a big family. Three kids is a lot and I love each and every one of them. But he honestly does not want any more kids. My heart just aches every time I think of this. I brought it up once more and he basically said he doesn't want more kids because of the financial burdian they are. Also so him and I eventually can be a couple again. I understand his point of view, but I am not sure he has taken my feelings into consideration. At any point I wonder if this will hurt my marriage. I am feeling very depressed over this. Why? Has anyone else felt this way? I just couldn't imagine taking a drastic change and him going in for a vasectamie (sp?). Making a perminant decision like that scares me to death. At this point in my life and in my heart I feel that another baby is for me. I am dropping the subject for now with my husband. But in hopes maybe a few years down the road eaither I will feel different or he will.
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Do you read Swistle? I think you might enjoy her blog. She has five kids, and wanted a sixth when her husband finally said no. Here are two blog posts she wrote that are pretty thought provoking:
ReplyDeletehttp://swistle.blogspot.com/2008/12/no.html
http://swistle.blogspot.com/2009/01/helpful-thoughts.html
I hope you can come to a peaceful resolution about this in your heart!
Thank you very much. I have made a pro list as to why not having anymore kids would be good for our family. It makes me feel a little better. But I still hold my little guy a little more tighter and take in all of his baby moments just a little more.
DeleteOne thing that lingers with me all these years later is that I couldn't believe he would get to make that decision. Like, I didn't feel like it was a decision we made together; I felt like it was a decision he got to make on his own because "no" somehow trumps "yes."
ReplyDeleteAnd it took me awhile to adjust, because I hadn't really taken him seriously when he'd said "no more" before---I'd thought it was the sleep deprivation talking, or the way we sometimes say other things, like "We are never going to find all the pencils we've lost." Not SERIOUS, just casually remarking. Plus, I'd thought I would get a say in it too---I didn't think he was making our decision and calling it final.
I was sad for a long time, but if it gives you any hope, I feel okay now. I still feel like it would have been the right decision to have another, though; it's just that it also was okay that we didn't, and I don't have the awful crying-level sad feeling anymore, or feel like our life won't be happy and/or that this might do something serious to our marriage.
I am ok now. Just because I think we have the little one. Liam is 7 mos old now. In 5 years if his answer is still No we may need to tal it through. As of now I feel ok. Sad sometimes. When I made a remark yesterday about one more kid in 5 years he asked me if I was crazy. Why am I crazy? I feed, change and wake up with them. Take care of them. Yes he works. But regardless if we dont have anymore or have one more he will still have to work. Right?
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